Anyway, I was trying to figure out the answer to why I stopped blogging so I visited this blog and saw that my last post was end of 2017/beginning of 2018. Not that the blogs were regular before then, it somehow got lost in between shitty jobs, but I completely forgot the blog existed since 2018. Like I even forgot that the link was on my twitter profile...smh. Sometimes I deal with trauma by forgetting. I couldn’t forget I lost my mom for long because it kept coming back, so I guess I forgot other things (if that makes sense).
I lost my mom in 2018. It’s still very strange to me. LOL! I don’t have a mother again. Iya Ayo is “dead”. Wawuu. Iyaayo is my our nickname for my mom. My dad used to call her Mummy Ayo and my mom used to call my Dad Daddy Ayo, so we changed it to “Iyaayo” and “Babayo” but only my mom knows we call them that (I think).
I wonder why she doesn’t come to say hello in my dreams. Some people see their lost loved ones in dreams. Why isn’t she coming to say hello. Sometimes I feel like seeing a medium to talk to her. She was such a funny and strong woman who found a way to move forward from everything life threw at her. One of my major heart aches is that if I have children, they’ll never get to meet their funny grandmother. She was so hard working, she lived such a tough life. I wonder why life is so unkind to some people. She would say “omo alagbara ni y’ole” (My apologies, I don’t feel like translating. Please put it on google if you want to know the meaning. Thanks).
In case you noticed that I wrote “if I have children” and you’re wondering why the “if”. I think I lost “appetite“ for children when I lost my mom because I felt like I didn’t want my children to ever feel the way I’m feeling if they lost me earlier than expected, hence the “if”. I’ve always been the “black sheep” though, so it’s not surprising (at least to me that I might not want children). Then one day I saw my old tweets and saw pictures of cute babies and I kept retweeting with “I want”, “I want”. It was then I asked myself why I didn’t want children anymore and later realized it was the feeling I felt when I lost my mom that changed the desire. But then I realized it doesn’t really make sense. It’s like saying I want to stop living NOW because I will still end up dying, but still I have lost most of my desire to have kids. I’m not entirely sure my mom’s death is the reason why I’m not such a fan of necessarily giving birth to your own children when there are children in the world already that you can take care of. I just knew I didn’t want to have children at some point, and when I tried to search within as to why, I could only trace it to the trauma of losing my mom.
My emotions can be annoying sometimes sha, because just as I was writing the previous sentence, I felt(feel) like having a cute baby girl. ‘What a betrayed’. Maybe when I meet Mr Right, I’ll feel like having his children so this lack of enthusiasm will disappear completely and I’ll end up having seven children or a dozen. Who knows anything in this funny life? Another reason this “not having kids” thing might not work is because I really want twins and there’s no hope of giving birth to twins if I don’t born right? I really really want twins though, so Dear God, please, twins? PLEEAAASE. And don’t let me die while giving birth to them o😒, T for Tenks Sir. My mom told us her mother died while trying to give birth twins, they lost both my grandmother and the twins. My mom was just two. Anyway, I’m not as enthusiastic as I was about having kids, but if I change my mind, I want twins.
I really get tired of life and it’s entire concept sometimes sha, the cycle can be confusing. Some people think one of the major reasons we’re here is to procreate, that just doesn’t sound smart, I’m sorry. That’s just too … can’t find the word now. I’ve never really understood the whole idea of human beings coming to earth in the first place and then going back to Heaven sha. Many people if not most are miserable here anyway, why is God continuing with this process? I guess I won’t get it until I go to Heaven and get a chance to ask God myself.
Hmmm, Iya-Ayo, PLEASE be happy wherever you are. You deserve all the happiness. You have left this strange world. I used to cry myself to sleep and try not to let Bolaji see me, how could you leave your last born just like that Iya Ayo. I don’t want to imagine how she misses you. And Yinka, she never got a chance to see you again. I still can’t tell voice the words “Mummy ti ku”, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say it. Hmn... Iya Ayo, Sun re o. GOD PLEASE DON’T LET HER BE UNHAPPY WHEREVER SHE IS, PLEASE! LET HER BE HAPPY, PLEASE GOD. She can’t live a sad life on earth and be unhappy in the after life, if there is an after life.
Babayo is going through so much guilt now (I am too), it’s so heart breaking to watch him go through the guilt. He talks about you with such admiration now, “my wife this”, “my wife that”. It’s easy now to imagine the times before his sickness that you said “won feran mi gan” (he adored/loved me so much). He praises you. I just don’t understand why he refused to take his drugs all those years and couldn’t be kind to you. No be you cause the sickness, you even suffered the most for it. If he had dealt with it the right way, it would have made everything so much easier. You were a true hero Iyaayo. And my greatest wish in life right now is for you to be VERY VERY HAPPY wherever you are now. The thought of you being possibly unhappy now after the life you had is messing with my head. Please just be happy, you deserve it.
I don’t think I would have lived as long if I lived your life, and I don’t know if I could bear to sacrifice my entire life for my family like you did. Maybe it’s part of why I’m scared of marriage. My mental health is kinda shitty, so I might just run away if God decided to try me like that. Mummy Ibadan is carrying on the gospel for you; the last time she came to Lagos, she said her Pastors said I will become very wealthy as soon as I get married🤣. Whether that one is real prophecy or motivational prophecy, abeg allow me be rich before getting married then it can continue after the marriage. E sanu mi. Please I want to start being wealthy now now now, why is the wealth waiting till I get married. No please. I manifest the prophecy now!
Back to daddy; most of the time when he tries to talk about you, he gets emotional. He’s always saying he wants to marry a second wife like he’s trying to convince himself, and we are even praying he does but we have not seen second wife yet o. Somebody that doesn’t even go anywhere. I pray he finds joy and spends the rest of his life happiness, he deserves it. He told us his story, life can be so mean to some people. He said when he married you, he stopped being lonely, and now he’s lonely again. We are all too engrossed with making something of ourselves right now but as soon as I get some financial balance, I’ll ensure we publish his story. He wrote it in Yoruba, maybe we can have a Yoruba and English version.
I’m also dealing with my own guilt too, I was such a judgmental and troublesome child. I should have been a better daughter. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, so so so sorry Mummy. Please forgive me. Please say hello somehow Iyaayo. Oga o, e miss wa ni? I want to have a picture of you being happy where you are. I want to have an idea of where you are. Is there heaven? Are you there? Can you see us? Ibo le wa Iya Ayo?
Ps: I think it’s about time I wrote about my experience the night/morning my mom died (again). I wrote about it one random day in my notes, but I don't know how I mistakenly deleted it. I was WEAK for days. I hate rewriting emotions, and this was about iyaayo's death. I googled and searched and tried every possible way to recover the deleted Note but apparently I didn't have the option for my Notes to be saved in iCloud then so I lost it completely. Ah, o dun mi, it actually made me depressed (yinmu, like I wasn’t already). Anyway, now I have to write it again and I feel sad because it can never be like the first time I wrote about it. I like writing things exactly how I feel so I think that's why I don't like editing or rewriting experiences, but sometimes I read and have no choice but to edit because you can't just write everything as it's doing you for world people to read.
Iyaayo, sun re o. We gon make it big by God's grace sha, it's the least we can do to honour you. 💚
No comments:
Post a Comment